A Rogue Nazgul
by BaronCat40
Summary: A Nazgul goes rogue and slightly berserk. A strange alliance makes things all the more ridiculous. I'm bad at summaries, but please read anyway!
1. Chapter 1

**This takes place shortly after Weathertop. It does not follow the original story!**

**Chapter 28592759834572098475234985*0+1- Many meetings (we only care about two)**

**The first meeting: **

A fly flew by a frog. The frog ate it. The end.

**The second meeting:**

Sauron's point of view:

[insert your favorite dream here]

I was jarred out of my lovely dream by Khamûl, the (now) first in command (Witch-king had a minor incident involving a man and a torch, and needed a few hundred years to recuperate) slithering into my throne room wearing his epically epic black robes. I could tell he had some really bad news, as it was not typical of him to hide behind specks of dust.

"Khamûl, I can see you."

He gasped, and I distinctly heard the words "not" and "again" screeched out as his robes fell to the floor. He'd been having trouble keeping a physical form lately. Something to do with my wrath being directed at him instead of Witch-King.

The now formless Nazgûl began to speak.

"Master, do we have to have black robes? We could use a much more wholesome color like, pink, or-"

"Do you mean to say that you interrupted my torturous sleep for something as ridiculous as PINK ROBES!"

"I don't mean to say that! I just did it!"

"GET OUT! NOW!"

"M-m-master? We had a bit of a problem in the torture chamber. Apparently the Shire…Baggins we caught died, and that Gollum thing escaped again."

"WHY ARE YOU STANDING HERE! GO OUT AND GET ME A NEW SHIRE…BAGGINS AND FIND THAT GOLLUM THING AND BRING HIM BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!"

He left…useless idiot.

**Khamûl POV:**

I survived that incident without (literally)losing my head. I did leave my robes in there. I'll get new ones.

A blast of flame and Black Cursing is heard issuing from behind throne room door.

Definitely some new robes. And Master wants a new Shire…Baggins. How many times have a told him that they don't grow on trees? At least, we _think_ they don't grow on trees. We've taken and tourtured every life-form that could possibly be a Baggins in the Shire, and now he wants us to look in Baggins for a Shire! Telling him that the orcs ate the Baggins was not fun, not fun at all. Especially that part where I came in and entrails were _already_ on the floor.

I gave Master a rock to torture, that should keep him busy for a while, unless he can kill that too. Now I have to find that Gollum Creature. I'm told that he says his own name a lot, but nobody knows what he looks like because he killed all the orcs that tried to chase him (Meaning half the army; we still don't know how he managed that).

**12.568 years later…**

I can hear this Gollum thing. It's getting closer, and closer, and closer.

(loud gasp is heard as Gollum and Khamûl see each other)

"Awww! It's so tiny, and clammy, and cute! I could just eat it, if I had a mouth!"

Oops! Did I say that out loud?

It was talking, "Curses and beboundels them! We hates them! Yes, precious, we HATES them! Gollum! 'Ollum!"

**Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to Queen Zenyatta and Guest for reviewing!**

**Khamûl POV:**

After the Gollum made it's short speech, it scampered off into the woods. I chased after it until a strange unseen voice sounded, "Warning. You are now exiting the Realm of Evil. If you continue, your warranty will be voided."

Just after that voice sounded, I heard a voice floating over the mountains (don't ask me how a voice travels over 100 miles; I don't know), "If a Nazgûl were to find us here, he'd kill you, incinerate me, and take the ring for his own!" Probably nothing important. I think I'll stay in the Realm of Evil. That last time a Nazgûl voided his warranty, he ended up on fire.

**3 months later. **

I don't believe it. Somehow, Master managed to kill his rock. He also corrupted a wizard, which made him an army of "big honkin' Uriks O' doom" (the term courtesy of Grishnakh). I think I'll give master an undead solider to torture this time. He defiantly can't kill something that's undead! While he's in a good mood, I'll see if I can get those pink robes I've always wanted.

**2 minutes later…**

"NO PINK ROBES!"

It was worth a try. I really wish I could put out these robes. Fire hurts. A lot.

**1 hour later:**

After seeing me burning, Grishnakh came up and dumped a bucket of water on me. I seem to have dissolved. As a result, I was unable to participate in the Urik-Hai practice battle today. Master's not to happy with me. I told him to try dissolving and see if he can hold a sword. He expressed his appreciation by evaporating me. That gave me my form back. I really don't know how.

**10 days later…**

Today master sent me down to the torture chambers to assist his "incompetent, good for nothing, orcs." I suggested he squeeze his stress entrail. I now have said entrail wrapped around my neck (how was I supposed to know he preferred stress skulls?).

The orcs seem to be having minor issues torturing the undead solider. You see, his creepy laugh freaks them out. You'd think that beings that can fight over a Nazgûl's shriek could bear creepy laughter.

**1 second later**

Said beings _cannot_ fight over a Nazgûl's shriek.

**14 hours later…**

This is not funny. At all. Apparently, torture instruments just go straight through undead solders. We've tried sneaking up on him, ramming him with a sword (that's how the twitching orc carcass got pinned to the wall), and attempting to inhale him. That last bit did not go well. Eventually, we just let it go into the wild. I'm not looking forward to telling Master about that.

**Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to Guest and DarylDixon'sgirl1985 for reviewing! There is now a cover picture. It's Kam****û****l in his pink robes. I don't own the base picture, I just took a picture of a Nazgûl off the internet and used a photo editing program to tint the robes pink. If you can do a better job, please do. **

**Khamûl POV:**

I just told Master about that minor incident with the undead soldier. I have to date the Gollum now, and pretend that I'm female. At least I get to wear pink robes (finally)! Master told me the rocks are not Shire…Bagginses. This time, I took a rock, wrote "Shire…Baggins" on it, and gave it to Master. He's torturing that now.

**6 months later and under the Misty Mountains cold…**

I really wish the Gollum would pick a drier place to eat. All this water is making me really on edge. I haven't dissolved yet, but I have to hide behind rocks whenever the Gollum starts fishing again. The part where he bangs the fish on rocks is especially terrifying.

**3 days later**

I finally introduced myself to Gollum. He said we can have a date after he gets his precious back. I told him we have to have one soon or Master will kill me. He said too bad. I almost stabbed him. He said we can have a date soon.

**5 hours later**

The Gollum got an orc to eat. I had some too. Orcs taste pretty good. Actually, this whole cave's not too bad. There's no romantic candlelight or anything, but the cave has its own quant charm. Except for the water. OH CRAP! THERE'S WATER HITTING ME! HELP!

**1 hour later**

The Gollum finally got tired of chasing me with a dead fish. A wet dead fish, mind you. I am now missing 3 ribs, 2 lungs, an arm, and all my toes. I sent a message through the mountain goblins, and Grishnakh said he won't tell Sauron. Grishnakh's also sending Naxgûl 3 to sort out the goblins and make them let me evaporate myself.

**The next chapter might finally have Khamûl go rogue. Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks to DarylDixon'sgirl1985 for reviewing! Sorry I took so long; I had a lot of things going on the past month. I will try to update again within a week. **

**6 months later…**

Nazgûl 3 finally came and made the goblins evaporate me. He also told me that Master said that writing "Shire…Baggins" on a rock does _not _change the fact that it is a rock, and definitely does not make it a Shire…Baggins. I grabbed a goblin and wrote "Shire…Baggins" on his forehead. That should keep Master busy for a while.

**3 years later…**

The Gollum finally said we could have a date. He took out a block of stone called a "calendar" that was divided into squares with a number rune on each one. He broke out one square, and broke it in half, and handed one half to me. Apparently each square is a date. This is going to take a lot of explaining…

**1 year later…**

I have returned to Mordor in failure. Of course, the first thing Master said when he saw me was something about the fact that writing "Shire…Baggins" on the forehead of a goblin does _not_ make that goblin a Shire…Baggins (apparently Shire…Baginses are now also invincible; the goblin died). I suppose I'll have to keep trying. On the other hand, he said he doesn't care about the Gollum anymore. Apparently, he just made that up to keep me busy, and the Gollum has already served his purpose. It makes a nice welcome, you know. Being told that you need to find yet another Shire…Baggins, and then being told that you just wasted 4 years of your (admittedly infinitely long) life. It's thinks like these that make me feel like running away.

**Please review!**


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